It's been awhile...

We have been MIA for a bit and are FINALLY getting back to brewing. However, we thought a little explanation of what is going on in our lives would be cathartic for me and helpful for anyone else going through a difficult time. 

COVID hit me pretty hard. I have a history of depression and COVID amplified my condition. I am very good at hiding my feelings and looking “fine” on the outside. Most people will see me and think I’m happy or doing great; however, when I am at home I’m falling apart and struggling to get out of bed and make it through a day. When the world shutdown for COVID, I was fine for a short period of time. However, Mike and I suffered huge personal losses when Mike’s aunt and my grandfather died. As a teacher during COVID, I put on a brave face and pretended I was doing well. I tried to make sure my students were supported and cared for, but I was not monitoring how I was doing. During this time, we started our Instagram and built up our brewing system. I smiled as I poured beers in competitions, but inside, I was a wreck. 

Fast forward to this school year, and I realized that I was not okay. I was struggling to make it to work every day. I was struggling to find any joy in activities I normally found fun. I had stopped working out because my gym was closed; I stopped golfing because the courses were too crowded; I stopped paddeboarding and surfing because EVERYONE started trying out new sports; I stopped playing music because I didn't feel "good enough"; I stopped reading because my eyes hurt from starting at computer screens; and I stopped brewing because Mike found out he had a gluten allergy. Basically, everything that I loved doing to keep my depression at bay went away. 

We entered a local homebrew competition and decided to try something new…we brewed a hazy. I hate hazy IPAs. Why did I brew one? I don’t know. I guess I felt I had to try to brew every type of beer. My heart wasn’t in it. In fact, I was dealing with such bad depression on the day of the competition, I didn’t even want to pour beer that day. I put on a fake smile and made it to the competition and submitted a beer I didn’t like and hadn’t tried. Note to anyone reading...never submit a beer to a competition that you haven't at least tried, I don't recommend it! I’m normally not one to complain about people in an open forum, but I feel compelled to do so today. I’m not sure if anyone reads this blog or not, but I wanted to get these emotions out to deal with them. So, here goes. 

There is a person at the competition that really kicked me when I was down. I don't know if this person knows or cares how I feel, but if he’s reading this, I hope he takes this to heart. This person is a fellow teacher and has even been in my home. This person made it a point to stand in front of me while pouring beer at a festival and point out EVERYTHING wrong with my beer. He even went so far as to delight in asking other people sampling our beers if they could taste the flaws as well. Mind you, this “man” didn’t have a beer in the competition. He represented his “friends” from a local homebrew club and decided it would be a fun day for him to make someone feel bad. To this person, I say “Fuck you!”  I was in a place where I needed a friendly place and was hoping our local beer scene and seeing people enjoy themselves drinking our brews would help me dig out of the depressive state I was in. Instead, you took all the joy out of the day for me...and smiled the entire time you were doing it. You asked every person who came by our booth what they thought was "wrong" with our beer. Who does that? Well, an asshole does. The worst part is you made it a point to try and make my day terrible. While I normally don’t give a shit about a guy being an asshole, I did that day. The fact that you had been in my house before and wouldn’t leave our booth even when asked, really irks me. But, I’ve moved on. That day, your actions really sucked. I know that you never know what others are going through, and maybe you had your own stuff you were dealing with. However, finding pleasure in offending or trying to hurt someone else is a huge character flaw. I’m glad I saw this in you so that now I know to keep my distance in the future. Life's too short to hold grudges, but I hope our paths don't cross again. If they do, I'll put on a fake smile and be kind to you. That's how I roll. Inside, I'll hope our meeting is swift.  

After that festival, I needed a break to reset and re-evaluate. I needed to find a way to reset my brain into a positive state and not go down a rabbit hole of depression. That’s the thing with depression. If you don’t dig deep and find a way out, the results can be catastrophic. I started with work. I restructured my work day. I reorganized my classroom. I set boundaries. I started to become a little less angry and anxious. I then started working out again. I moved into mace bell training. There’s something about swinging that mace that gets all my angst out! I've been consistently working out daily. I have a terrible knee injury (in truth, I'm disabled) that hurts every day. But, I am focusing on what I can do. My workouts focus on upper body and core strength. I started traveling again and attending comedy shows. I'm starting to laugh more and see the good in people again. I feel like I am slowly getting out of the fog that has had a hold of me for over a year. 

The final step in all of this…getting back to brewing. What I realized is I love brewing. I love the beers I make. But, I love the beers I make and the recipes I create for myself. I don’t want to make a hazy to make a hazy. If I want to drink a delicious Belgian beer, I’m not going to brew one. I’m going to call up my friend who makes delicious Belgian brews and ask for a sample. I am excited to rebrew some of our favorites. I am excited to try some brews other brewers make. I loved our time at the NHC last year. We met some amazing people that I hope we can reconnect with as I get back to feeling like myself. I have no desire to join a homebrew club. I hated clicky groups in high school that revel in talking shit and trying to bring other people down. I love meeting cool people from any and all walks of life. I love learning from others and sharing knowledge. I don’t need a club or want a club for that. I’ll enter my beers in competitions. I don’t want to win because I am a part of the “right” club that has the “right” members that are voting. I’d rather not win if it means compromising being me. I want to do what I always do…brew on my own terms. If I win, awesome. If I don’t, I hope that people had a great time and enjoyed what they drank. I'm proud of what we have accomplished at Two Jacks and excited for where we are going. 

We have several weeks of cleaning and then we will be brewing. Our brew schedule starts off with our personal favorites–Judge Hopner IPA, Haleiwa, Makani, and Salute. We have several gluten free beers in the works and hope to develop gluten free and gluten reduced versions of our favorite brews. Life is a journey. It has its ups and downs. I’m happy that I can say I am making my way out of a terrible depression one day at a time. Hopefully, we’ll be able to share some of our beers with everyone soon. 

Until then, cheers! Enjoy life! Do something you want to do today. Hug your loved ones. Smile and know that you matter. Know that everyone deals with problems. Social media may make it seem like everyone has a perfect life, they don’t. The “perfect” life is one where you experience hardships so that you can embrace the beauty and joys of life around you. 

Happy Brewing, Friends! 
Cheers! 
2JBC